Argento’s Dracula (2012)

Rated 18
Spoiler Free

Legendary horror Director Dario Argento’s Dracula has a spectacularly bad IMDb rating of 3.6/10 but I watched it anyway. Why? Because I wanted to see quite how bad something has to be to get such a poor score and because I write film reviews and can’t just cover things I know I’ll like, even though I had a sneaky suspicion I might revel in the awfulness of his take on Bram Stoker’s classic.

The version I watched I was horrified to find is dubbed. Weirdly, I rather liked the dubbidness, it made the film all the more cheesy and shit and underscores the reason I’m watching it.

Nudity! A staple of Argento films and it took about three minutes, max, before busty areola. But will Asia Argento get her kit off for her Dad? Spoiler, yes. Personally I find stripping for Pappa a little weird but I’m British and no longer European apparently so I have to be all weird about showing your bits to your parents after you’re grown up enough to wipe your own arse. Also it’s a film so presumably she’s being paid, I’d windmill for my family for money. I almost certainly have for free anyway, it’s why my Christmases are so lonely.

Heaving bosoms, lots of heaving bosoms. Even the corpses are hot- it’s weird. Is it bad that with so much upper body nudity I wanted to see muff? Not dead muff, obviously like in The Neon Demon, but Argento is Italian, why not level it out with some pubes and perhaps a floppy meat sock. Erect penises are only palatable in porn.

As well as Asia Argento, Thomas Kretschmann (Dracula) and Rutger Hauer (Van Helsing) are the more well known names on the cast list. Kretschmann is a fantastic actor, did he lose a bet to have to appear in this? The story is well known, a vampire eats people while everyone else fucks each other. Some of which is from Bram Stoker’s original tale, some of which is from Dario Argento’s filthy, filthy mind.

Yes, it is this bad.

Some of the gore in Dracula is good value, but that’s the least I’d expect from Dario Argento. He excels in practical effects- which is what I remember enjoying about his much older films, but the CGI is poo, which I would say is because of the cast costs but as mentioned, Kretschmann lost a bet and Asia Argento is the Director’s daughter.

Even for a bad film, Argento’s Dracula (which is weirdly advertised as “3D” even though I see literally no shots which would suit the extra dimension) is a bad film.

Bedsit it?

I like being able to slag things off, but Dracula is a cheesy load of crap. I got more joy writing dick and tit jokes than watching the fucker. If it had been made in 1980 I might have more sympathy (the logic of which arbitrary criteria I am yet to decipher even to myself), but a 3/10

Crap horror, good reviews (at least I try). Check these out!..


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