THE BEDSIT CINEMA AWARDS 2026
Therefore, in theory, an approved voter could watch no films and just vote for the one their mate is in, and that vote counts. What a fucking liberty. I’d lost interest in The Oscars long ago but now I have absolute disdain for them. Literally every Oscar awarded before 2026 is tainted and I still reserve the right to be annoyed by next year’s.
The first year I remember caring about The Oscars was when Saving Private Ryan was up for a few of the golden, gilded little pricks. It is still my favourite film and coming just a year after Titanic (which I had yet to admit I actually liked), I wanted Spielberg’s genre-changing masterpiece to boss it. It won five, which at the time I thought was an injustice.
If I hadn’t already given up on them, which I had, La La Land’s 14 nominations and 6 wins was the last nail in that sparkly dildo’s coffin.Time passes. Who cares what wins which and who holds a title when we’re talking about a subjective form which exists across decades. The Oscars are a barometer of fashion, nothing more.
Maybe in 2026 The Oscars will surprise the world. The Oscars happen, some people win, some people don’t win and it’s a Hollywood circle jerk which really only sounds fun because of the drink and drugs. “I won an Oscar” and “I did a line off Sean’s Penis” are stories for the grandkids. I haven’t bothered looking up the rules for The Spaftas.
So what are The Bedsit Cinema Awards? Nothing but fun. Pure fun and cock jokes, with a little look at some cinema and television. Any film up for an “award” has merely to have met the criteria of my having seen it since the last Bedsit Cinema Awards. Enjoy!
THE BEST SOUNDTRACK AWARD
Winner: Alien: Earth
Kicking things off nice and easy, pretty sure this is the first best soundtrack award I’ve done and Alien: Earth is the reason why. Every episode I kept the credits rolling because the tunes are banging! Great show, too. Absolute must see.
THE BEST DEATH AWARD
Winner: You’re Garbage
Final Destination: Bloodlines - Back with a crash, bang and a wallop! Final Destination made a very welcome and thoroughly gory return to the big screen. Every death was fun but pure garbage is my favourite for misdirection and pure cruelty. Careful around those bins!
THE BEST TV AWARD
While until 2025 I had a bit of dryness in my film life, TV has gushed great content and as you may have noticed Taylor Sheridan has lubricated a lot of that. However, although all his televisual children (1883, 1923, Yellowstone, Landman) were an absolute treat, and The Shooting of Jean Charles de Menezes was a hideous reminder of the paranoia I/all Londoners experienced following the 7/7 terrorist bombings, there are even more standout shows.
Shrinking is funny and moving, Pluribus is pure genius which asks you questions while keeping you happy, and guessing, with a stellar central performance from Rhea Seehorn. The victor, pushed close by The Pitt which is astounding TV- Zeus’s balls! Jeff Goldblum as a God! Kaos is a clever, contemporary and comedic reworking of Greek mythology. So good I remembered to forget Greek mythology in order to enjoy Kaos further, just to avoid spoilers. I suggest you do the same.
I’ve watched Kaos three times all the way through, that’s what earned it the win over The Pitt and Pluribus.
THE BEST DOCUMENTARY AWARD
Ukraine: Enemy in the Woods
Stray is an inspired and engaging film about the stray dogs of Istanbul, Sven really opened my eyes (and heart) to the former England manager, Ocean is mostly a depressing account of how we’re ruining the oceans, Clarkson’s Farm kinda is more TV but it’s a lot of fun and Imposter: Back From the Dead was impossible to look away from.
The Blair Witch Documentary was a great insight for geeks like me, but uhe winner made me want to look away but I couldn’t- a very powerful and insightful film about front line fighting in Ukraine.
Winner: Ukraine: Enemy in the Woods
If you're in the UK Ukraine: Enemy in the Woods is available on BBC iPlayer.
THE ONE TO WATCH AWARD
Sovereign is a very good film, Jacob Tremblay is excellent in it and I have a feeling he'll be in more and more prominent roles in the near future. As long as he doesn't get into smack or something.
THE ONLY SEE IT IN THE CINEMA AWARD
I only put Gladiator II here because it’s absolute shit and seeing anything BIG is better, but couldn't rescue it.
Winner: Final Destination: Bloodlines
I didn’t get out to the big C much over 24 months, but Final Destination coming back was so welcome and well made (accepting what it is). Hit the spot with a bloody explosion.
THE BEST SUBSCRIPTION AWARD
Yes it helps that I didn’t have it for a few years and have had hours of content to plumb like a disgusting little couch potato, but Apple TV is way better than I thought when I cancelled it. They have the black mirror money in the cinematic big leagues now (see Napoleon and Killers of the Flower Moon) and their shows are superb no matter what your tastes are.
Winner: Apple TV
I have switched to a Google phone and do not regret it at all, but for my eye and earballs, rather than my phone, Apple are leagues ahead of the other streaming outlets at the moment. Netflix cancelled Kaos, for fuck’s sake, they’ve clearly lost the plot.
THE BEST FILM AWARD
Warfare
Sinners
The Long Walk
Society of the Snow
Caught Stealing
Better Man
Saltburn
Leo
Day of the Fight
Devotion
F1
Even though I hated myself for not being able to put out a 2025 Bedsit Cinema Awards, it was a pretty poo year for cracking films. 2025 was better, so even though Leo was absolutely brilliant, Day of the Fight came out of nowhere to move and entertain me, the winner was between two films: Warfare and Bring Her Back.
I didn’t really know what to expect from Warfare. Directed by Alex Garland and former soldier Ray Mendoza, the semi-autobiographical film has received everything from high praise to righteous condemnation. It blew my socks off; pure adrenaline which may have a lasting impact on the war genre.
Sally Hawkins - Bring Her Back
Gary Oldman - Slow Horses
Nabhaan Rizwan - Kaos
Rebecca Ferguson - Silo
Billy Bob Thornton - Landman
Russell Crowe - Nuremberg
Noah Whyle - The Pitt
David Jonsson - The Long Walk
Barry Keoghan - Saltburn
Marisa Abela - Back to Black
Nicholas Rossi - Imposter (if you know you know)
Paul Walter Hauser - Black Bird
Rhea Seehorn - Pluribus
What a hard division. Barry Keoghan’s full(y nude) Kaiser Soze, through Nabhaan Rizwan being a brilliant guide through a complex narrative, Rhea Seehorn basically holding a superb show on her own and Gary Oldman farting into the scenery: but there can be only one winner.
Winner: Sally Hawkins
Bring Her Back is a hard watch and it isn’t just the toe curling violence, it’s underpinned by Sally Hawkins as the weirdest, creepiest adoptive Mum ever. See the film. See it, see it.
THE BEST HORROR FILM AWARD
Nosferatu
28 Years Later
Bring Her Back
The Ugly Stepsister
Sinners
As Above, So Below
Late Night With the Devil
Infested
I recommend you see all of these but it’s a stroll in the disgusting park for this brutal nail biter.
Winner: Bring Her Back
Fresh and fearsome horror. I loved it.
THE WTF MOMENT AWARD
Shocking what kids will put in their mouths. If this scene doesn’t make you want to crawl out of the room you’re a sick, sick person and I salute you. Three awards in a row for Bring Her Back. It’s almost as if I made The Bedsit Cinema Awards up myself and chose how to place things. What a film, restored my love of the horror genre despite some decent competition. I am very feel, like Martyrs.
THE MADE ME BLUB AWARD
Winner: The Long Walk
Where did that come from?! All of a sudden I was sobbing as Stephen King’s story got to its final act and things started to get more serious.
Special mention for Clarksons farm - Harrowing. So much sadness but is it bad I wondered whether you can eat a stillborn pig? Made me very upset but loses points for questioning what I can eat while being all sad.
THE LA LA LAND AWARD
I’m retiring the Peter Bradshaw Award, because I want to squash the beef and frankly, I was only negging him anyway. He's made his own awards now too, the clart.
I will never like La La Land (or Frozen- another winner), even if the last 24 months has seen me warm to musicals. La La Land is Hollywood sucking itself off, much like the Oscars. What other films fit that category that I’ve seen? Well, it hasn’t been a great year or two for my cinematic hump of hate; a paucity of properly critically acclaimed awfulness. Mostly just bland, but here are my lauded losers.
Perhaps my lacking in loathsomeness might be a good thing, maybe I’m maturing and gaining perspective. More likely I just don’t see the point anymore, why try new things. Subtitles are just a book which make you miss the boobs you put a foreign film on for in the first place. The Oscars are pointless self aggrandising. Horror has nothing new. Why get worked up?
I do get worked up, though, even through the dull times and the below are not the worst films I’ve seen, but came covered in drool from salivating critics. I coudn’t wait to see them, and then I saw them and questioned whether there’s something wrong with me or the rest of the world. Clue: I’m never going to admit it’s me.
One Battle After Another is not bad, bad, it’s just very meh. I do not get the fuss, and it may not have helped that I had such high hopes. Eddington was also a massive disappointment- over long and felt outdated already. The winner this year is a film which somehow managed to be brilliant and yet totally infuriating.
Lauded loudly and with rigid fervour by reviewers everywhere, Kathryn Bigelow’s nuclear bomb thriller A House of Dynamite flattered to deceive. Even I know a story, if you want people appreciate what you’ve done, needs to have a beginning, a middle and a fucking end. Two hours of slightly slow but admittedly engrossing tension pissed up the wall by a pretentious and dare I say lazy conclusion which didn’t so much leave you wanting more as regretting putting the effort in.
Probably because of the nuclear war theme, A House of Dynamite reminded me of Dr. Strangelove, a film I believe people only say they think is brilliant because they fear looking stupid if they don’t. It’s average at best. This year’s La La Land Award winner is in the same category. Sorry Kathryn.
There are good years and there are bad years in life. That’s just how it is. Sometimes you get out what you put in. Sometimes life is a twat, sometimes it is bountiful, sometimes it's deadly. If you’re reading this you are incredibly lucky. Have a wonderful 2026.
And remember...
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