Gladiator II (2024)
Ok children, quiet down quiet down.
For this year’s Class Six Christmas Production you’ve chosen to make Gladiator. How original. Shall we do something a bit different? What’s that Ridley, you want to make Gladiator 2, but call it Gladiator II, because of Roman numerals and that? Well that’s a nice idea, what story would you like to tell? There’s lots of possibilities.
Little Nicky is a good writer, Nicky would you like to write Gladiator 2? You would, oh that’s wonderful. Ooh yes we could do something with the underworld, make it a bit more ephemeral and spiritual. But no, we’re not having Maximus fight in the Crusades, the Second World War and in Vietnam, because that’s mental. Let’s keep it with Gladiators in it. People like Gladiators, for some reason, so Gladiators, ready?
We’re going to need to cast it, and obviously Russell Crowe’s Maximus is dead, and Russell Crowe has been at the cookies, so who else do we want? No, Sean Bean is too old, and people will know he’ll die. What about someone famous? Timothee Chalamet maybe? Yes, good point Timmy, he is a ubiquitous, skinny show off and would be better playing an unstable, psychopathic Emperor.
Well, yes, Jerome Flynn is great in Game of Thrones, but he’s sixty and also your parents shouldn't be letting you watch that, you're ten. Why don’t we just find someone who looks like Jerome Flynn's son on steroids? Paul Mescal, excellent choice Ridders! He’s been in a load of stuff nobody has seen, and is a gormless echo in eternity of Russell Crowe’s shadow. He does have to somehow be a Gladiator though, how are we going to do that?..
Right, you’ve all been squabbling over this too long so we’re going with Davie’s incredibly derivative but admittedly simple idea of just making our new hero, Lucius, someone forced into the arena having been enslaved. We do at least need someone famous to appear though, a big American name perhaps? Yes! Great choice, Denzel Washington it is, and let’s allow him to be the only person using an American accent.
People are going to want blood and spectacle, and Ridders, you’ve got good form on that, although don’t make us call your parents this time, you can’t sacrifice the class guinea pig like last Christmas. What can we do that’s bigger and better than the original? Yes, I know you like boats, and it did technically happen, but what if it looks all CGI and a bit shit, like 300: Rise of an Empire?
Adam, you like sharks, so I will allow sharks because they’re cool as fuck even if absolutely stupid when you think about the logistics of having them in the Colosseum. What about some other animals? Tigers? No we did that last time, let’s just really knowingly pan past some. Other suggestions?
I think we’ve got enough stupidly expensive battles to keep people watching, but we are lacking great characters or memorable moments, let alone anything iconic. I’m beginning to think only people who haven’t seen the original will really warm to it, and a lot of the plot is just the same. Actually, class, I think I’m going to walk away from Gladiator II regretting being so excited for it.
Here’s $250,000,000 and some chicken nuggets, you’re on your own kids.
3/10
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