Alien: Romulus (2024)

Sci-Fi/Horror
Rated 15
Spoiler Free

While I was excited about Alien: Romulus, which I am by every Alien film except the Predator crossovers because they are and were always going to be shit, the fact that Fede Alvarez was directing had me even more engorged. Alvarez has good form with established film franchise furtherment; his Evil Dead was superb, though its success was arguably to blame for Evil Dead Rise, which I hated. I’ll probably watch Evil Dead Rise again though, because I am that kind of massacre-masochist.

My exuberance for Romulus was tempered by a(nother) pet peeve of mine in current cinema: the overly explicit trailer. Why, why, why do we need to see so much of the plot and some spoilery moments in an advert? For me now, anything other than a teaser is a ruiner, and when I realised how much the Romulus preview seemed to give away I closed my eyes and said LA LA LA LA LA loudly, because the very thought of La La Land wipes my brain clean.

Excited to part with my hard earned dosh, I nestled down on a Friday, made burgers and generally just enjoyed knowing work was done for the week. I haven’t cured cancer or anything, but as long as it keeps being a cunt, I have a job. How’s that for a conundrum.

Cailee Spaeny plays Rain who, along with her SEN* synthetic (SENthetic) “brother” Andy (David Jonsson, excellent) gets caught up in a smash and grab on a space station orbiting one of the mining colonies. With promise of escape from the oppressive bureaucracy back on terra firma, surprise surprise the only thing the floating tea leaves win is a one way ticket to Xenomorph horror.

The subgenre of Alien films varies slightly but Romulus tries to add a new palette, red-all red, to a similar theme and set up of the first film. I was surprised that under Alvarez Romulus isn’t a gorefest. Surprised and I have to admit, a little disappointed. An emotional tone is set pretty quickly, Rain’s relationship with Andy is touching and the ensuing spaceism the synthetic suffers fit well and added depth but after that, Romulus is somewhat devoid of attachment.

As Romulus slows to build up to its terror, it really isn’t that interesting and worse when it does all kick off I felt I was being tricked into enjoying something which wasn’t really delivering much. Aliens are pricks** sure, there’s a lot of ick but no real action. My hopes that the championship rounds would force some brutality went largely by. Romulus is good to look at though suffers from a weak plot and implausibility even for a film about giant space penises bursting out of you after you’ve been fucked in the mouth.

Bedsit it?

Alien: Romulus is an easy watch and not a lot more. For fans of the series it’s a nice way to sit in that universe again for a bit. If you’ve never seen an Alien film before, don’t start here. Hey-ho, could have been worse coughAvPcough. 6/10

*Special educational needs.
** H. R. Geiger joke there for you dickheads.

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