Cocaine Bear (2023)

Thriller/ Comedy
Rated 15
Amazon Prime Rental
Spoiler Free

Who isn't sold on the idea of a giant animal taking shitloads of class A drugs? Certainly not me, and despite agreeing to watch Cocaine Bear with my girlfriend, I must now confess I couldn’t resist watching it alone one day. We broke up last week so I doubt it is top of her things to give a shit about now.

I had forgotten Ray Liotta is in Cocaine Bear and seeing him made me a sad panda. Also featuring are, sheeeeit, what's his name from The Wire, Senator Clay (AKA Isiah Whitlock Jr.) and Jesse Tyler Ferguson from Modern Family. They’re not the main characters, but honestly it really doesn’t matter, Cocaine Bear is all about the novelty factor (Snakes on a Plane, anyone?). There’s a plot, but do you care?

Set in the 80s when cocaine was still good (if they set it now the creature would bearly* get buzzed) Cocaine Bear is every bit as knowingly stupid as it should be, carrying a sense of humour which a film with this premise would die without. Unlike cocaine, this film only cost £5 to experience, I bought via Amazon Prime, and turned up when I wanted it to. Not that I’ve ever done drugs. Don’t do drugs, kids.

There was an awful lot of talk about Leonardo DiCaprio and the bear in The Revenant. Did that bear rape him? I don't know, but what I can't tell you is you don't want to be raped by a bear that's high on coke. Or maybe you do, it’d be four hours of it thumbing in a softie. I imagine there's some suffocation issues though, depending on the position. The goal is gruesome deaths, injuries and violence, which apart from the jokes are the only reason to watch Cocaine Bear, and they keep it going pleasingly.

Overall, much like what I’m told about cocaine, Cocaine Bear is great once it’s going but plateaus then suffers a bit of a comedown. However, because it is so knowingly shit, embracing its ludicracy and provides some commendable carnage, it’s hard to hate it.

Bedsit it?

The interest level slides towards the end after what is a very fun middle, though overall Cocaine Bear is worth your time if it appeals. As Bill Hicks once said, "don't. do. drugs. Well I'm definitely not doing them with a bear!" 6/10

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