Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)

Rated 12A
Disney +
Spoiler Free

Contains Spoilers For Avatar (2009) But So Does Avatar: The Way of Water

Avatar: The Way of Water (2022) is the sequel nobody asked for, except for James Cameron and all of its presumably well paid stars. The CGI geniuses get relatively little by comparison but division of labour and whatnot. The animators do a fantastic job here, let's lead with that. I really want to abbreviate this film’s title to A: TWAT because it’d be funny if it worked, but it doesn’t work. Fuck it, my site my rules, A: TWAT it is.

Having rewatched 2009’s Avatar recently(ish) and experiencing its diminishing entertainment value, I was skeptical about A: TWAT. Avatar's is a basic bitch, tree-hugging-blue-giants story at its heart. Sure, it looks great and there's some high concept stuff about biotechnology or whatever, but really it's a bog standard tale of a soldier "going native" and joining the fight against his destructive former team.

Avatar’s big sell was its cinematic power: a (spectacular) relaunch of 3D technology and big screen phenomena. It did that very well, but I realised with later home viewings that even with a big TV which does 3D, Avatar never had any real weight.

Humans, AKA Sky People, rock up again on Pandora, years after their whooping by primitive hippies, with all their cool tech and monstrous machines ready to tear up the environment in an even less subtle analogy than when Avatar was novel. Despite the futuristic vehicles and weaponry, I was annoyed from the first scuffle to the last, that in the years since the last film's setting the humans still haven't invented arrow proof glass.

After setting the scene with the family/story arc, which yes, again, is nothing new or unpredictable, hero Jake and his Na’vi family The Blue Man group go one the lam. Running away from the dastardly Sky People who now also masquerade as ten feet tall super beings, something I never understood why they overlooked doing for all their soldiers in the first film. Like tougher glass, I let it rest, nobody is here for anything other than the good stuff.

The Blue Man Group end up hanging with a water (surprise!) tribe; at this point Jake is just leveling up on space tclans film by film. Can't wait for Avatar 9 when he just goes full Rick and Morty and starts fucking them all. Actually, a cursory adult website search will find you some all blue, blue movies. I shit you not. It's a challenging wank, not least because there’s an awful lot of hentai and amateur face paint, which makes finding a goodun with one hand a chore.

Still, my TV does 3D conversion, so a fully satisfying Avatar experience is available if you’re so endowed and inclined.

The second act, which is as long as many films' entire run length, is a settling in and making friends after some initial aqua-conflict yarn. Look, I don't do spoilers but if you were to write a sweeping generalisation, predicted narrative for A: TWAT based on the trailer, you'd probably get it right. So I'll leave it there.

Eventually the final battle cums and you know what, it's spectacularly, satisfyingly great excitement. Nicely violent for the rating, I loved it and it rescued the film for me but, you do have to have made it there. A lot of people watching at home will know they can just switch over to YouPorn and work out their Avatar frustration there, scrolling for a five knuckle shuffle. You can also search for A: TWAT on adult sites, just FYI.

Bedsit it?

Predictable, unneeded, but visually superior to most things I’ve seen from Marvel who let’s face it don’t glimmer with new ideas either, A: TWAT somehow kept me interested long enough to climax. Sorry, to reach its climax. Everyone loves a climax. It's slightly less preachy than its predecessor too.  6/10


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