Love (2015)

"Drama/ Romance"
Rated 18
Spoiler Free

When I was a teenager I bought a magazine called Bizarre, which had all the saucy, kinky pictures you’d expect but its articles were less mainstream and often dark and gory. Kind of like The Fortean Times but with tits. My favourite part of the magazine was the film reviews, where a guy whose name I have long forgotten and probably wrote under a pseudonym anyway reviewed pornographic titles. He did this across three or four reviews per issue, and the actual films often had nothing to do with what he talked about and his stream of consciousness flowed through the reviews, making them work together but also kind of irrelevant.

The graphics on Love's title are cum.

I loved those articles, and while my memory of them is as vulnerable to time as all my other ones, they were formative on my teenage brain. Just like that time I scored the winning goal in the 5 A Side football tournament final aged thirteen, on the half volley with my left foot and it was a carbon copy of Alan Smith’s 1994 Cup Winners’ Cup winner. That was a great day, one I’ll remember forever although it was hardly the pinnacle of my sporting prowess, like the time I scored the winning goal in the 1994 Cup Winners’ Cup final under my pseudonym Alan Smith.

Lying and misremembering (although for the record I don’t disremember, so they’re all lies), there’s a moral line which is easily blurred. For me anyway. Reviewing a porn film is pretty pointless, hence why the Bizarre pieces worked so well. Gaspar Noe directed the brutal, brilliant Irreversible, which featured a nine minute anal rape scene. This is a much inferior film to Irreversible, and Noe tries again to shock but doesn't. Love is a two hour porn film stifled by trying to be a boring, badly acted drama and not having enough porn.

Short and sweet. Wipe that off.

Bedsit it?

Love is best watched piecemeal, if at all, and honestly you can find better stuff for free on tinterweb. It only gets a two because I’m a filthy little man. Probably the most blatant 3D con yet made. 2/10

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