My Cinema Faux Pas

What’s the dumbest, most embarrassing thing you’ve done at a cinema? We all like to complain about the talkers, the texters and the noisy eaters, but that’s basic bitch bothering. Have you been guilty of anything which you’re actually quite ashamed of?

While I look back and laugh now, because I’m a bastard, my biggest cinema faux pas upset rather a large crowd. In order to see American Sniper on the big screen and with no mates wanting to go, I booked myself a seat in the Empire Cinema Leicester Square. It was opening weekend so Clint Eastwood’s latest was showing on their biggest screen. I went for the middle, dead centre. The best seat in the house.

American Sniper is not a short film, but I am a short man with a small bladder. Some gin and tonics pre screening, and one (or two) taken in with me, I needed a wee. There were at least thirty people to bump into as I ducked and apologetically bumbled in the dark across the row towards the aisle and that sweet, sweet porcelain relief. Innocent bystanders and collateral damage.

So far, so banal, I know.

Emptied and relaxed, I made the unending, awkward journey past people back to my seat, more embarrassed than before by interrupting them a second time. They saw me go out, they must have expected me to come back, but no they were just twice as irked. I got back to my seat but someone was in it. Confused and with this man looking at me, I shot up like a meerkat, only to discover I was several rows up from my actual seat.

Like any responsible cinemagoer I made a quick judgement call; annoy scores of people, or just the few you step over going down in a straight line. Pure utilitarianism in impaired practice. I knew that philosophy degree would pay off. My unsteady legs clambered over the rows beneath me, with a surprised “what the fuck” and an “Oi!” each time I ambushed from above and kicked a popcorn, drink or woman.

Their eyes burned into the back of my skull for the remainder of the film, firing invisible bullets through my brain toward the screen. I stayed in my seat for a while as the credits rolled, hoping to avoid any pitchforks in the foyer. It’s a funny story now for me, but I’ll be willing to bet someone still complains about that dickhead who kneed them in the head that one time, and they’d be right to.

Cinema, who doesn't love it? Check these experiences out!...

MEGBIE
THE LAST DUEL
THE KINGDOM OF THE PLANET OF THE APES
3D OR NOT 3D?
THE STUFF