Grand Isle (2019)

Grand Isle (2019)

Very Minor Spoiler Alert

Action/ Thriller

Rated 15

Grand Isle scores a fairly fetid 4.6/10 on IMDb and I knew when I put it on I was in for either a hidden gem or another Nic Cage stinker; I also knew where the balance of probability lay. Cage has become something of a rotting corpse these last years, mostly staggering dead eyed through films, only impressing when the role calls for a cadaver.

However! Kelsey Grammer also takes a share of the top billing. I like Kelsey Grammer, and if you like Kelsey Grammer too then don't see Grand Isle, he's barely in it and when he is he's apparently trying to impersonate Foghorn Leghorn without any degree of irony.

How old would you say Nic Cage is? Go on, guess. No cheating. I played this game with myself and I came up with 60, then decided that was well out and moved to 65. I only mention this because it was what occupied my mind for a good ten minutes of Grand Isle before I caved and checked. In fact, Nic Cage is 56. Back to the film.

Half an hour in and Grand Isle had become an endurance test as Nic Cage raged about with no discernible reason disclosed. I think there’s supposed to be some mystery to his tempestuous relationship with his wife, played by an actress whose name is even less believable than her acting- KaDee Strychnine Strickland. Both of this central, warring couple are annoying and I honestly didn’t care what that mystery might be.

READ THE BEDSIT CINEMA AWARDS 2019!

Strickland attempts desperately to shag Luke Benward, who plays some eye candy trapped by the twosome in a storm (METAPHOR) while Cage drinks himself senseless. I wanted to do the same, but sadly I was watching Grand Isle before work. I might be tempted to admire Cage's attempts at energy, but I won't because even shouting he's still shit.

Forty minutes in and they hadn't shagged. Minor spoiler I suppose but if you actually care about my opinion, chances are you're only reading now to hear me slag Grand Isle off, you aren't going to actually watch the damn thing. Please, please don't watch the damn thing.

Forty five minutes in, Cage is having a flashback from ‘Nam. It is not even an entertaining flashback. He hurt his foot or something. How is Grand Isle an "action" film? Even the war scenes are Cage describing things that aren't exciting. I went for a poo, and on return it didn’t appear I’d missed anything.

Finally- oooh, something's happened! But I still don’t care. I’m stopping it. Play a game of "how old is that actor?", it's more fun than Grand Isle.

Bedsit it?

Today’s date is January 3rd 2020, and I have just seen the first genuinely awful film of the year/ decade! Well, just over an hour of it anyway, which was half an hour more than it deserved. 2/10

Here are some reviews of other films I’ve hated!

THE LIGHT BETWEEN OCEANS

THE GIRL IN THE SPIDER’S WEB

FORTRESS

DEN OF THIEVES

JASON X