Trailergeddon 3: Everyone Likes a Threeway
Although we all know trailers are evils lies. Like custard adverts, sold to us on the promise of so much joy until you invest and realise it’s just fucking custard. Where we find the happy is revelling in the intangible, happy hope. A two minute glimpse of what might be.
There is an obvious dearth of high art in these trailers, as Oscar season sits at the end of the year. Personally, I am rather excited about some of these films- Academy be damned!
Just because I thought it’d be fun, here are the films featured on Trailergeddon 2: Let’s Geddit On, alongside a brief summary of the film.
Polar - Utter, unoriginal nonsense
The Mule - I got bored and turned it off
How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World - I’d forgotten this film even existed
Arctic - to be fair I didn’t have time to watch the DVD before it was due back
John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum - Not seen it yet
Us - Perfect example of trailer lies. A boring film saved only by the acting (from a 3/10 score to a 4)
Ghostbusters 3 - Not out yet AND I STILL CAN’T WAIT
Into the Spiderverse - Clever and fun
Godzilla: King of the Monsters - Again not seen
Hellboy - Jesus fucking christ I need to get out to the cinema more
Pet Sematary - I bought the original instead
The New Mutants - delayed until 2020, looks good but will real life ruin it? It did Dark Phoenix
That list really does nothing for trailers does it, but that ain’t the fun of them, the fun of trailers is the trailer, and so behold- TRAILERGEDDON 3!
OUT NOW
Guillermo del Toro writes and André Øvredal who directed the magnificent Troll Hunter, directs. Title is self explanatory, has a Children of the Corn look to it which I like.
December, Cinemas
Sam Mendes directs a WW1 action epic, it looks more like a Dunkirk style affair than traumatising Saving Private Ryan effort, but I’ll forgive that because it looks superb.
September, Cinemas/ seared into your consciousness forever
The Firefly family return! Rob Zombie’s two best films get a third instalment and it promises carnage on a terrifyingly satisfying scale.
Read about the original two films here.
25th October (UK), Cinemas
The 1990’s Addams Family films are two of my all time favourites, and the first trailer for this new animated effort did not please me. It does in the longer trailer, however, look a little more offbeat than the teaser, so perhaps I’ll give it a chance. See what you think...
27th October (UK), Cinemas
Hilary Swank starring, human huntin’ mayhem from the writer of Lost. It doesn’t look dull- it won't win Oscars.
13th October (UK), Is it Netflix, isn’t it? God knows.
One which might be after awards- if the Netflix debacle doesn't derail it, good film or not.
Martin Scorcese, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Joe Pesci and many more unite for a mafioso movie of unparalleled anticipation. Put it away mate, we’re all excited too but have some decorum.
23 August (UK), Cinemas (probably not loads of them but some cinemas)
Pedro Almodovar has never done anything for me. His films I mean. He’s also literally never done anything for me but I can’t really hold that against him. Pain and Glory has done well at the festivals but frankly I’d see It Chapter Two four times before considering this.
You might like it though!
6th September (UK), Cinemas
Sequel to the really rather good Stephen King iteration, which comes carrying a horrifying almost three hour run time…
23rd October (UK), Cinemas
He’s back! Along with some serious looking new Terminator models, Arnie and team return for what looks as if it might actually be a decent Terminator film. They haven’t all been awful, but the Terminator series had a high benchmark to keep up to. Deadpool director Tim Miller is in the driving seat.
18th October (UK), Cinemas- probably
From Robert Eggers, director of the unique, bewildering, batshit and brilliant horror The Witch, comes a, you guessed it, unique and batshit film about a lighthouse. It sounds like there’s very little to it except for style. The style, though… Willem Dafoe and Batman star.
20th September (UK), Cinemas
105 year old war veteran kicks arse. Promises blood so comprehensively it’s in the fucking title.
11 October (UK), Cinemas
Yes it looks like I Robot 2, yes Will Smith is getting on everyone’s tits- but Ang Lee directs and lets face it, Gemini Man looks pretty fun.
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