Annihilation (2018) Netflix

Tagline: “Fear What's Inside.” If you fear obvious sets and CGI, this film is scary. Lock the kids up, panto gets dark in 2018!

Premise: Natalie Portman plays a biologist who enters a zone with new biological rules with an all female team, much like Neil Marshall's 2005, The Descent. If you have The Descent, watch that.

Delivery: Several things annoyed me about Annihilation, and not all of them are its fault. Although by now it is probably already clear I am not a complete fan. It is “intellectual” and “complicated” as my least favourite film reviewers, The Guardian, called it. But only if you have been huffing glue. Why do I keep reading these wanky, pretentious, filmic tealeaves? Well, keep you friends close, as the saying goes. Even when their tea leaves stink of their own jizz and the water's curdled. Not to mention the sour taste.

I am a huge fan of Alex Garland. 28 Days Later is one of my favourites films ever, the Dredd film absolute brilliance, and the news recently that he secretly helmed it no real surprise. Ex Machina was actually intellectual and I was excited for Annihilation. Big time. I even pre-recommended it to a few people because I am self important like that and fantasise that people care what I think. Thanks to studios being utter cuntbutlers, as they are prone to be, Annihilation was held back, sold to Netflix and released on there. Studios are largely to blame, and I'll get to that. But first; the film.

Annihilation begins well: human, believable, and at first, a bit scary. But it just goes bonkers. I know it is supposed to be outside reality. extra-terrestrial and entirely new world creationism. But it choked on it's own premise by being hokey, largely fake looking, latterly not scary at all no matter how much the actors try to sell it and finally, ENTIRELY GIVEN AWAY IN THE TRAILER. Spoiler alert. The CGI didn't sit well with me, either; it all looks like a shallow set with CGI wall behind it.

Maybe I'll come back and revisit my opinion on Annihilation in some years. Say, if I join the Cult of Annihilation, a cult whose leader talks like a mental Frankie Boyle. By which time all of my other options, such as wanking myself to death, have evaporated like my hands. Trying to kill it like kindling.

Finally, and I wanted to end on this because I hate authority more than I hate myself, fuck you studios. Agreeing a film to be made then wanting it changed? Let it die on its sword. Annihilation might not have turned out being quite so wild and unengaging if I hadn't been forced to watch it at home. Smaller TV's, worse still laptops, kill a film such as this. You, the greedy executive, would surely have made more money putting this out in the cinema. Captive audience and great screens, shit, they could have bought this film two or three more stars. I might even have liked it. Who knows. We never will.

Bedsit it? Well, it's on Netflix, but no, sadly. Netflix should learn from this too, Annihilation is a cinema event, not a TV film. Even if not a great one. Reason I could sit through any Avengers films? Big screen, loud sound, 3D. Cocksuckers! Cinema exists for a reason. Use it. 4/10