Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017)

Tagline: “A New Experience In Sensuality.”

There isn't one listed on IMDb, or on the poster. The is momentous. So in its place I have chosen 1975's Black Emanuelle's tagline for you. I might do this more in future only not tell you when I'm doing it.

Premise: Rey rocks up at Skywalker island to play prod the grumpy old man until he teaches you the force. The First Order and The Resistance are still having a tiff. All of this is in space, but you knew that.

Delivery: Before we start, as I said in my review of The Force Awakens, I see these as, “event films” and review them as such. Basically; turn your brain off and enjoy the spectacle, preferably at the cinema. There's nothing more than that to them than entertainment and if you treat them as if there is, you'll be disappointed. Unfortunately, most Star Wars fans are die hards and will do that, thus some of the anger I've seen vented online. Far be it from me, sat in my bedsit alone, hammering away online, to suggest other types of film geeks get a life, but...

I went to see The Last Jedi at the IMAX in Waterloo, in 3D, pretty much the best place in Europe (biggest screen) to see it. We went some weeks after the film opened as I couldn't get tickets and frankly I'm not that fussed or likely to miss it. They'll flog this horse until it's glue. The spectacle was overwhelmingly impressive. The opening space battle and lightsabre fight later in the film took me back to being a child, open mouthed with awe, watching the first films on TV. At Christmas. Like everything was in the 80's. I have no idea what the channels broadcast the rest of the year, because literally all the good stuff was in the festive schedule.

Jaw dropping special effects and moderately inventive use of a well known format was pretty much all I wanted from my visit, and I got it, thrust in my face aggressively for two and a half hours straight. Just how I like it. In seriousness though it is long and one thing I really liked about the film, which I know others took issue with, was the amount of humour. Here's how I see it, the jokes kept it light, and kept me from getting annoyed with all the dark side waffle. While I accept it's the main part of the Star Wars premise, in the eighth film about people labouring over whether they prefer light to dark (racists) I am well and truly over it, so keep it to a minimum and keep me entertained. Because I am more important than everyone else.

Finally, unfortunately the Star Wars “philosophy” isn't all I disagree with Star Wars geeks about. We don't see eye to eye on washing and cinema etiquette, either. The cinema, frankly, stank like a 14 year old boy's room, and at the late showing, that rules out 14 year old boys. Have a bath you bum, and wash your dirty clothes. One guy on my row smelt so bad I retched as I walked past, although mainly for effect.

I am a man who has sat in 8 hour John Carpenter film marathons with horror fans and the hygiene was worse at The Last Jedi. Also, guys, I know it's exciting being out of your mum's attic, but turn your fucking phone off. The guy next to me was texting until the first battle, then kept taking not very sly photos of the screen. It's in 3D dickhead, that won't work, and it's bastard annoying, too. I was taken out of the film I'd paid twenty quid for on several occasions because of it. It didn't ruin the film, but if I hadn't had a big, veiny CGI Millennium Falcon choking me to distraction, it would have.

Bedsit it? You won't be able to see it at home yet, but if it sounds like your type of film, do go. I really enjoyed the film spectacle, if not the audience who were awful. 9/10