Conclave (2024)
I could have written four jokes on Conclave’s age certification alone. “Rated 12, but if you look about 12 that’s fine too”. I was raised a Catholic, my family mostly remain Catholic. I like the Catholics, I just don’t believe in God, or letting a prolific history of sexual abuse fly by without a cheap joke or seven.
By pure happenstance I watched Conclave on a Friday, while making a fish pie. Because God loves fishy finger Fridays and works in mysterious ways, which is why he also gave me the ability to understand I can do better than these jokes and yet the ability to just accept, fuck it I'm making them anyway. It’s all your fault, God. Don’t you go giving me free will then tell me to kill fish in time for Friday or you’ll be upset.
Ralph Fiennes! Stanley Tucci! John Lithgow! All were presumably subject to forensic scrutiny before being cast because it would be a field day if one of those beloved and hugely talented actors had a #MeToo exposure. Some of the world’s most Popeular* thespians roll the dice playing Cannibals Cardinals, safe in the knowledge that nobody will question their tegridy.
The real life Pope is still alive, but not doing so well I have any confidence Conclave will go from about a film into a foreshadowing of what’s soon to pass before this review goes out. Goddamn it...
Despite the sincerity and great acting, I personally found it hard to get caught up in the drama, because I really do not care who is a fictional Pope. A real one matters more because they had a Hitler Youth, conservative arsehole after John Paul II, for fuck’s sake. I’m all for forgiveness but even in a slow moving institution like the church, Catholicism bounces between progressive and regressive as much as everyday politics, just glacial, making it less effective.
Whoever the new Pope is better not bounce back to Benedict. Following Francis, two Popes in a row who the non religious can get on board with would be a statement for where the Catholic Church might go. Like it or not, these religions are massive players in all of our lives. Conclave is fiction and and there’s no real jeopardy if you ultimately couldn’t give a shit what the outcome is. It didn't catch me past my acknowledgement that it is well made and acted.
A little, final observation: even though they're largely subservient to the men in Conclave, Nuns being portrayed as great caterers doesn’t surprise me. They’re industrious, have attention to detail and it is hard to stain a habit. Unless the stain is semen, which is persistent whatever the cloth and colour. Wipes easily from the chin though, and pairs well with some Father beans, and a nice Chianti.
I have never written a review I less want people I love to read, but Conclave is admittedly a solid film which was hyped more than it needed to be. It may well be very relevant, very soon, probably not accidentally. It’s just a shame they made the sequel years ago- John Paul: 2.
If you want to see a truly powerful film about the importance of forgiveness and finding humanity in hardship, with added Nuns, read my review of then see, Dead Man Walking. If you’re sexist try the also very good Of Gods and Men. Conclave gets 7/10.
*Oh fuck off
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