MegBie (2023)

Meg 2: The Trench & Barbie
An Experience
Spoiler Free

Barbenheimer is but a dream, I am post seizure and don’t have the patience for that. As much as I want to see my ultimate man crush Cillian Murphy destroy the world in the three hours Oppenheimer runs for, I could barely focus on Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares last week. Meg 2: The Trench does not require an attention span.

Give me prehistoric sharks and, in something I never thought I’d say, a film about a plastic pink doll. Transformers don't count, obviously. Actually, given I recently bought all of the Transformers films on Blu Ray, and I like the colour pink, I’d say Barbie wasn't as long a long shot as I might have thought. Two very different films, two very different cinema experiences.

MegBie baby!

Sharks and whatnot

The original plan was to see Meg 2:The Trench with my friend, a man I’d seen the first film of Steve Alten’s brilliantly sharky novels with. Instead the insolent bastard went on holiday with his wife and child, forcing me to go alone, because bugger waiting until The Guardian have inevitably scored it two out of five.

The fuckers put their review out hours before I made my way to Surrey Quays for a disappointing pre film steak. Of course I read their review, because The Guardian have what is a "not a pay wall", pay wall up now on the app and I was just so pleased to be allowed to see it I looked. Draw your own metaphorical parallels there, but sometimes it's just nice to see it.

Odeon Canada Water/Surrey Quays have their contrast off key, the image was too dark, but the cinema was relatively empty meaning I could move nearer the screen. It didn’t even annoy me that it being the summer holidays there were children in there. I was encouraged by offbeat director Ben Wheatley being chosen to spearhead a Hollywood actioner.

What a let-down. Ben Wheatley was clearly on a bet to see whether he he could cram more references into Meg 2 than entertainment: Saving Private Ryan, Jaws 2, Godzilla and others I can’t remember because I was in the cinema trying to enjoy a film. Trying. Someone said to me that they thought Meg 2 looked like a comedy,. It isn't funny, either.

It’s stupid, it’s over the top, both of these were anticipated but there’s nothing really new about it- there’s no standout moment to give me a second thought on my score. I hate this but I agree with The NOT FREE  ANYMORE Guardian. 4/10

But here comes Barbie!

Existential Doll

With Meg 2 I wanted a quiet cinema with nobody else which thanks to dire ticket sales I was almost treated to. With Barbie I was hoping for an extravaganza of pink, with a unified crowd. I was going with a friend and her mates with a wear pink rule. Looking like a fetid prawn with alopecia, I donned the pink suit I bought hammered and was, bar one, the only person in pink.

Suddenly that suit paid dividends. Or £100 out of my sky rocket for one wear. However you want to quantify it.

Eight of us and a full cinema in London’s West End- the most recent visit of mine being Black Panther: Wankhands Forever. That was not a fun excursion and almost put me off the cinema completely. Wankers cramming the seats (not their seats) and a horrid film. Here’s what I’ve learnt, do the cinema on your own terms. See films you want to see under conditions you’re happy with and you’ll have much more fun. I appreciate that’s not always possible but philosophically there’s some truth there.

Mattel, the manufacturers of the Barbie range, clearly have a sense of humour. Barbie is self aware, self deprecating and hugely funny. I didn’t even mind that there’s sort of a musical element, my bitterness erased by the anticipation of this and several margaritas. I highly recommend Barbie to everyone because of that. Scepticism was swept away, I laughed, was challenged and actually rather affected at the end. 8/10

BOOM, MegBie! Sometimes the cinema is fun.

I have had mixed cinema experiences, check out these reviews!...
Yeah I don't go much because people annoy me and I have a p


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