The Bedsit Cinema Awards 2018


Much like the Oscars, the Bedsit Cinema Awards happen a year late, are put together by a team of degenerates, and are utterly self involved. Ok, one degenerate and some lovely friends. This year I'm joined by some great writers and film lovers.

This lot care about what makes good cinema. There is no deliberate attempt to be different, and these ephemeral awards celebrate our individual experiences of film over 2018. Hopefully you will have a laugh through this list, and find new films to enjoy... or miss.

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Please welcome, follow and look into:

Marcus J. Richardson, Film Maker and Lad Reviews Founder
Shannon WatsonWhat the Flick Founder and film podcaster
Mark Carnochan, Actor and film writer

Each "award" is credited to the writer, so you know who loved/ hated each film. Many are hyperlinked to the review on the blog.


Was It Actually A Movie (?) Award

Mark Carnochan

The “Was That Actually A Movie” award showcases the worst movies of the year. Not just fairly bad movies, the worst of the worst. The sort of movies that get so much wrong that you can't help but wonder if it actually deserves the title of “a movie.”


Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again
Assassination Nation 
The Festival

Winner: Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again. This didn't just win the award, it was the entire inspiration for it.

Whilst the first movie was far from a technical marvel, it had the benefit of having a big cast, a fantastic soundtrack, and a reasonably good story. It was a tonne of fun. But the same cannot be said for its sequel.

Following a story that reads like a children's picture book the movie includes a date-rapey Young Bill (who seems to have been glorified by the film's fans) as well as some of the worst choreography, and technical filmmaking, to have ever come out of any major movie ever

Overall, the entire film felt like it was thrown together at the last minute to make a quick buck and give the ageing actors involved an all inclusive holiday.



The La La Land Award

Adam Thorn

Following on from last year, the film which made me most sick since the clock turned 2018, and not in a good way.


The Light Between Oceans

Doesn't hold a disgusting, slippery jizz candle to the Hollywood circle-jerk La La Land. The Light Between Oceans was still so bad that I started clock watching only a few minutes in. A ghastly love story which tries to emotionally blackmail you into caring for the characters, after half an hour I hated them so much I was practically overjoyed at their (fictional) traumas.

The La La Land Award remains called so until a film out-shits it. 2019 Awards it returns.


Animated Series of The Year

Marcus J. Richardson

F is For Family
Rick & Morty
One Punch Man
Bojack Horseman
Castlevania

Winner: One Punch Man. Not Rick and Morty? They were close, right up Saitama's bum crack! I love Rick and Morty but that is for another day. One Punch Man caught me off guard when I was looking for some background stuff whilst I played Xbox. Ended up binge watching this until the birds were up and about being noisy twats.

I love birds at all other times. Anyway, One Punch Man. Amazing animation, even better characters and funny little story lines. It is a little gory and not for young kids, but teenagers would be all over this and the teenager in me loved it. A cross between Rick and Morty, and Deadpool.


2018 Animated Shit on a Stick 

Marcus J. Richardson


Disenchantment
Total Drama All Stars

Winner (?): Total Drama All Stars: I have very little to say other than, I could have driven to Scotland instead of watching what can only be described as a cross between Takeshi's Castle and cancer. I gave this half a star and it was lucky I didn't also give it a punch in the throat!


The Guardian Film Overhyped Horror of the Year

Adam Thorn

Every year I get duped by the pretentious bastards at The Guardian into thinking a horror will be great only for it to be in no way scary whatsoever (#COUGHBabadookCOUGH#)


Hereditary

Not a bad film, per se, and has a cracking death in it, but Hereditary just isn't scary. I wouldn't even call it a horror.


Best Nobody- Watches- TV- Anymore- Award- It's- All- Streamed- Award
(Best Series)


Adam Thorn

Having spent most of the year unemployed, this was a hard category to narrow down.

Charlie Brooker was right, television schedules are becoming a thing of the past.


The Good Place
The Terror
Gomorrah Series 3
The Handmaid's Tale
House of Cards (1990 British version)
Bodyguard
The Haunting of Hill House

Winner: Although I was delighted to see some genuinely great horror series this year, winner is The Handmaid's Tale - Beyond series one it is full of plot holes, but no less compelling. Came to both series of Handmaid's Tale this year, and after you acclimatise to all the rape and murder (takes a few episodes, there's a lot of it) it's a very powerful piece of TV.


Marcus J. Richardson


The Haunting of Hill House
Atypical
The End of the Fucking World
Better Call Saul (S4)
Happy

Winner: Atypical - If you have ever known someone autistic or even someone with additional needs, you will know that things for them are different in life and also those around them. This is something that hits it head on but finds a wonderful balance of catharsis and humour to actually provide a very well rounded TV programme. Netflix house this wonderful show and for me it gets my 2018 Series of the Year!




The Guilty Pleasure Award

Adam Thorn

GUN LUST! FUCK YEAH! With all those guns you'd think it wouldn't be down to an autistic British kid. Although his plan was bound for failure; he couldn't even get a gun in the States, or outwit American police.

I digress. Shows I loved against my better judgement:


Hollywood Weapons
Doomsday Preppers
Meat Eater

While Hollywood Weapons is cheesy, I enjoyed the staged camaraderie between its host and weapons expert. Yes, I also like the weapons. Gun porn is a recurring theme in this section. What that says about me I do not want to acknowledge.

Doomsday Preppers is a slightly knowing look at the lunacy of people convinced a few pot noodles and canned fruit stashed underground with an assault rifle and 10,000 rounds of ammo will see them (“and my family”) safe from tidal waves, earthquakes, global financial collapse and/ or a zombie outbreak. Oddly, none of them mention their own President's megalomania and innate ability to start an argument in an empty room.

Stand out winner, though, is Meat Eater. This is called the guilty pleasure award and as a meat lover, I've never felt more guilty than watching a hunting show. I enjoy the camping element, I love the slight nature stance, the chase and yes, the guns. Host Steve Riddell is intelligent, considerate and ethical. Provided you don't think meat is murder.

Riddell tracks and stalks an animal, such as a giant moose bull. He finally gets the big old moose he's been tracking in his sights, he shoots the moose dead. Its magnificent, horned form slumps unceremoniously to the earth. Forever still. My heart dies with it. I feel sad for the moose and guilty for watching. That poor moose. Then Steve skins it, carves the bastard up and fries some of it. Mmm, delicious moose. Next episode please.

I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Would you like a moose burger?


Best Death(!)

Adam Thorn

Seems poor form to follow the previous award with this, but if you were expecting good taste in these awards then you haven't read the blog. All deaths come with added exclamation points! You're having fun because I'm telling you you are! Deaths! Gore!


Moose! Meat Eater (Ok I'm joking. It's the last time I mention the poor, delectable moose.)
Car-jacked! Death Wish
Noise! A Quiet Place
Head it! Hereditary
Lightsabers! The Last Jedi
Rusty blade! Big Bad Wolves
Boom! Ghost Stories
Screwed! Apostle
Gutted! Outlaw King

A very strong category this year, due mainly to the fact that I knew I was doing awards from January so actually made notes. Star Wars finally showing lightsabers' destructive potential was impressive, but for the sheer recoil factor of ApostleApostle it is.
Best Soundtrack (Original or Licensed)

Mark Carnochan

Anna and the Apocalypse
You Were Never Really Here
Blindspotting
I, Tonya
Ready Player One
Climax

Winner: You Were Never Really Here. To me Lynne Ramsay’s latest movie is a modern day masterpiece. That word is thrown around a lot these days but I genuinely mean it with this movie because it's got every single thing right from its script to directing, depiction of mental health to the fantastically clever action scenes, the editing to the soundtrack. Those don’t even begin to cover it.

One of the best things about You Were Never Really Here is its original score by Radiohead guitarist Johnny Greenwood. Greenwood’s beautifully experimental soundtrack captures both the beauty of the film as well as the hideous setting the audience find themselves in. The score’s amazing ability to evoke emotion from the audience, all the while perfectly intertwining with the film itself, is what makes it the best soundtrack of the year.


Most Blatant, Cynical Appeal to a “Diverse” Audience

Adam Thorn

Black Panther

Whether you like the film or not, surely you see through it? I'm glad cinema made by and featuring black people gets mainstream time and attention, but it's too late in my opinion. Moonlight was fucking brilliant, Beasts of the Southern Wild was mind blowing. Black Panther stank of a cynical money grab. Get (the fuck) Out.


The Only See it in the Cinema on a Huge Screen in 3D Award

Adam Thorn 

Bedsit Cinema's “event film” award which Hollywood clearly saw on our site in January and have nicked for the Oscars. We'd sue, but y'know... People hate the idea. We're keeping ours though. Ha!

Star Wars: The Last Jedi
The Meg
Overlord
Outlaw King

It's probably obvious I didn't get to the cinema much this year, and Outlaw King was Netflix. Would have been fun on the big screen.

The Meg has a giant shark, A GIANT SHARK! Winner.


Mark Carnochan

Ready Player One (IMAX 3D)
A Quiet Place
2001: A Space Odyssey (in 70mm)

Winner: Winner: A Quiet Place

Tough choice! Ready Player One was definitely the most fun I’ve had in a cinema within the last twelve months.

2001: A Space Odyssey was by far the most beautiful experience. Seeing a masterpiece of the last fifty years on the big screen in 70mm was absolutely breathtaking. Hearing that score on those speakers and seeing this movie on the big screen creates a mesmerising experience like no other.

A Quiet Place has stolen the throne over these two great films. It’s a film that brings the audience together in a respective silence for the brilliance they see before their eyes. To fully experience A Quiet Place you really must see it in a cinema. It is a cathartic experience, and for this reason I can tell that this movie will see many returns to the big screen for years to come.


Underrated film of the year

A better name for this award is probably “Films You May Not Have Heard of But Should Seek Out”, but it's about as catchy as an arm-less wicket keeper*. Many of these films were critically lauded, but you may not have heard of. Basically the film of the year subs bench, but these are great films you might love.

Shannon Watson

Lean on Pete
American Animals
Pin Cushion
Possum
Anna and the Apocalypse

Winner: Pin Cushion. We’re not talking about Pin Cushion enough!

Criminally underrated, Pin Cushion is directed by fellow East Midlander and Derby University graduate, Deborah Haywood. It’s an intensely personal, extremely affecting look at mother/daughter dynamics. A dark, warped fairytale entwining the sickly sweet with mean and gnarly.


Adam Thorn

Sweet Country
Hostiles
Journeyman
Lady Bird
Death Wish
Ghost Stories
Elle
Denial
Hurricane
Outlaw King

Winner: Ghost Stories

Mark Carnochan

Hostiles
Unsane
The More You Ignore Me
First Reformed
Upgrade
Where Do We Go From Here? 
The Secret of Marrowbone
Searching 
Beast

Winner: First Reformed

Despite writing some of the greatest scripts of all time (Taxi Driver, Raging Bull etc.) Paul Schrader remains unfamiliar to the general moviegoer and so First Reformed (also directed by Schrader) received a rather limited release.

First Reformed comes so close to perfect but just slips up at the last hurdle. Despite this it still is made beautifully and spreads a message that has to be heard. It genuinely has the power to inspire and influence people.

Any movie that can have that much of an affect on people is worthy of attention, but alas, it has remained mainly unspoken of in the film world.

Hopefully these awards spread the word and get First Reformed the audience it deserves. Watch it and see what I mean.



Performance of The Year

Marcus J. Richardson

Kier Gilchrist - Atypical 
Frances McDormand - Three Billboards
Bob Odenkirk - Better Call Saul
Christopher Meloni - Happy
Matthew McConaughey - Gold (I was late to the party)

Winner: Frances McDormand - Three Billboards. She's already received all the other awards; maybe I should have given it to someone else. Frances moved me and showed in an age of change how women really can kick ass and not just make a change but inspire and provide hope to others fighting a similar fight. She became an all time great with that performance and that is why she gets my 2018 Performance of the Year.


Adam Thorn

Timothée Chalamet - Lady Bird (although the talented shit was great in about three films)
Frances McDormand -Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Marco D'Amore – Gomorrah
Elizabeth Moss – The Handmaid's Tale
Andy Nyman – Ghost Stories
Tzahi Grad – Big Bad Wolves
Quvenzahné Wallis - Beasts of the Southern Wild
Ian Richardson – House of Cards
Dominic West - Pride

Dominic West is really only in there because I loved his flamboyant Jonathan in Pride, who stood out even in a film full of unique personalities and great performances. I'm going to go for Quvenzahné Wallis, astonishing for a girl of her age, in an amazing film.


The Award for Making Me Feel Physically Sick and Somehow Aroused At The Same Time

Adam Thorn

Raw.

This is an award made for French cinema. Raw. Finger scene and crotch shots. Yes I've got a semi but I'm very, very ashamed of it.


Best Documentary

Adam Thorn

The Cove
Life and Death Row: The Mass Execution
Evil Genius
November 13: Attack on Paris
Gringo: The Dangerous Life of John McAfee
Welcome to Leith
Robin Williams: Come Inside My Mind
Power of Greyskull: The Definitive History of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe
They Shall Not Grow Old

If this was an award for technical achievements, then Peter Jackson's brilliant They Shall Not Grow Old would run away with it.

The Cove is a scorchingly powerful and innovative documentary, but the day you ask me to care more about dolphins' plight than humans' is the day you've lost your damn mind. I do know the correlation between their welfare and ours; but we need to sort ourselves out.

While our selfish slaughter of dolphins is tragic, our misguided, hateful killing of one another hurts me more. Plus I choose the winner, so there.

Winner: November 13: Attack on Paris. I cried almost the whole way through.




2018 Film Of The Year

Best film seen for the first time in the year of 2018, regardless of year made. Pretty straightforward.

Marcus J. Richardson


Deadpool 2
Hunt For the Wilderpeople
Annihilation
Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri

Winner: Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri. Nothing came close to making me happy/angry/sad/inspired needing a poo more than Three Bilboards Outside Ebbing Missouri. It got my first 5 star review and Francis McDormand rightfully cleaned up awards wise, if you dont watch this, you're a big floppy willy. Although it isnt yet on Netflix, so you might need to grab a DVD of the tinterweb.


Mark Carnochan

You Were Never Really Here
Mission Impossible: Fallout
BlacKkKlansman
Climax
Revenge
Blindspotting
First Man
Suspiria (2018)
A Quiet Place
Anna and the Apocalypse

Winner: You Were Never Really Here/ Blindspotting (tied)


Adam Thorn


Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
Beasts of the Southern Wild
A Quiet Place
Detroit
Big Bad Wolves
Apostle
Pride

Winner:Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. Three times I watched this in a year. Saving Private Ryan levels of love- and I copped a feel of some boobs during Saving Private Ryan at the cinema! Yay teenage me! This was comparatively chaste, but I loved Three Billboards' drama and dark humour. 



Most Overrated Films


Adam Thorn



You Were Never Really Here

Blade Runner 2049

The Shape of Water

Annihilation
Dr. Strangelove: or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Widows



I do not understand why people love Strangelove, except for fear of being called an idiot. Runaway winner is The Shape of Water, a film I should loved, what won Oscars and all. I turned it off. I'd give it a second chance, but I'd rather dig up my own nan.



Mark Charnochan

Avengers: Infinity War
Hereditary
American Animals
Mandy
Bad Times at the El Royale
Widows

Winner: Avengers: Infinity War

Shannon Watson

A Star is Born
Sorry to Bother You
Roma
Bohemian Rhapsody
The Miseducation of Cameron Post 

Winner: Roma. Don’t get it twisted – in terms of cinematography, pacing, use of long, wide angle shots and general production, Roma is near perfect. Cuarón has evidently poured his heart and soul into this one.

But I just didn’t seem to find it as emotional as others (this could be a classic case of hearing SO much about it in the run up to actually watching it).

2018 Time Thief Of The Year


There's overrated, then there's wasting our God damned time. Marcus lets rip...


Marcus J. Richarson

Polka King

Personal Shopper
Bullet Head


Winner: Personal Shopper. Kirsten Stewart parading about with her tits out for no apparent reason is all good and well. I'm all for freeing the nipple, but not in place of a plot!



The rest of the film was fuckin' garbage, it actually seemed to make perfect sense to have completely irrelevant moments of getting naked to change into numerous beautiful Chanel outfits (of which she is the face) and then proceed to say how ugly she feels. Just FUCK.OFF! I've never seen a performance from her that has any emotion other than "teenager scorned". This made me want to avoid seeing her on a screen for the rest of my life.




The WHAT THE FUCK Award


Shannon Watson

Nominations:
Suspiria’s ‘mother’ moment
Climax (literally the entire film)
Unsane’s padded room scene
Hereditary ending
Every twist in A Simple Favor 

Winner: Suspiria. A tough one, but the last third of Suspiria is unlike anything I’ve seen before (and I loved the original too!). Gloriously gory, enviable choreography and full of female rage. A WTF moment I’ll enjoy again and again.


Adam Thorn

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom: Fire dinosaurs!


How did a series about modern day living dinosaurs jump the shark? Two words: fire dinosaurs. Fallen Kingdom is CGI nonsense from start to finish. And for those of you thinking you can trump this film, think again. The Meg didn't jump the shark because it was the god damned shark!


Scenes Better Than the Movies They Are in Award

Mark Carnochan


Newt confesses his love to Tina (Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindlewald)
Brachiosaurus Death (Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom)
Ballet Scene (The Nutcracker and the four realms)
Live Aid (Bohemian Rhapsody)

Winner: Live Aid (Bohemian Rhapsody)


Scariest Film 2018 Award

Adam Thorn

I had a bit of a meltdown doing this award this year, as I realised a scary film and a horror are two different things; I'm only thirty five, these things take time. It was also a weak category for some reason, so in a desperate bid to beef it up I horror binged. I do it all for you. Pure altruism.

A Quiet Place
Ghost Stories
Apostle
1922
The Witch in the Window

Winner: It is a really close one thanks to the late entries, and one early one. The Witch in the Window is creepy and done in a way which makes the syupernatural natural. I really liked it, plus it gave me the willies. However, Ghost Stories wins. I'd give it to Return to Oz if I could, but the terrifying "children's" film I was first traumatised by thirty years ago, and so is ineligible. Ghost Stories is equally scary, shocking and madder than a badger on stilts juggling dildos.

That, dear reader, is the Bedsit Cinema Awards 2018. If you have any comments, please do get in touch- we love talking film!

Thank you for reading- and to the great writers who contributed. Here's to another year olf great cinema!


*I was told flidda was insensitive

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