The Bedsit Cinema Awards 2017
The Bedsit Cinema
Awards 2017
Bedsit Cinema's
slightly alternative awards list for films I saw for the first time
in 2017. The film can have been made in any year, the only
qualification is I have to have seen it this last year. In no particular
order, with no scientific method and as emotive as I could be short
of a scribbled note in crayon (I'm a very particular scribbler).
Please do send me your
film likes, hates, lists, funny moments and anecdotes. I love talking
films as much as I do watching them.
The Only See It In
The Cinema On A Huge Screen In 3D Award
This award goes to a
film I saw in the cinema with full knowledge that it was
realistically only going to be any good on a huge screen. Yes, bigger
even than my TV. 3D is a bonus because I bloody love 3D and I really
don't want it to die out as a format. What I'd call an “event”
film.
- Kong: Skull Island (3D)
- Transformers: The Last Knight (3D)
- Alien Covenant
- Logan
I really, really
enjoyed Kong: Skull Island, but I have no doubt a repeat viewing at
home will not be the same experience. Alien Covenant was actually
quite a good fun, but I get the impression that'll be quite good at
home. It's not a terrible film, despite the reviews, although it's
not brilliant either. Logan did wonders for a very bad mood I was in,
but beyond that, meh. Transformers was a good night out with my
brother, and gets bonus points for the couple shagging in the
disabled loo at the end, just for the absurdity of it, and as my
brother pointed out, the fact that a films about CGI robots made them
horny. For me though, Kong: Skull Island was this year's cinema
spectacular. It had a 100 foot gorilla for goodness sake. A Vietnam
war feel and some wonderful big screen moments. I'd say go out and
see it, but, err...
Winner: Kong:
Skull Island
Best Film 2017
Straightforward
category this one, simply the best films I've seen this year in any
format or on any platform, made or released in any year. Only
qualifying factor is I must have seen them for the first time this
year.
- The Death of Stalin
- Dunkirk
- The Look of Silence
- Moonlight
- A Monster Calls
- Rust and Bone
An award it's so
straightforward, yet so hard to award. Looking back over twelve
months which film affected me the most? Which entertained me like no
other? Which will I carry into the future held on a pedestal?
Probably all or most of those listed, and more. But there is a
runaway winner for me this year.
Winner: The
Death of Stalin
The second year in a
row a British film has been my favourite, last year's being I, Daniel
Blake. The Death of Stalin is hilarious, dramatic, meaningful and
perfectly timed. See it at all costs, you heathen.
Best Portrayal of A
Character
I'm going to award one
imaginary acting award, because when I started thinking about it,
apart from to create more awards, I don't understand why they're
separated by gender. This includes TV and film, men and women, lead
and supporting roles. Mainly 'cos I'm lazy, this isn't a gender
neutral statement.
- Casey Affleck (boo): Manchester by the Sea
- Merritt Wever: Godless
- Will Poulter: Detroit
- Matthias Schoenaerts: Rust and Bone
- Marion Cotillard: Rust and Bone
- Jonathan Groff: Mindhunter
- Keanu Reeves: John Wick 2
Hahahaha, can you
imagine? No, no Keanu, John Wick one was enough. I think I have a
Reeves tolerance of one action film per decade. John Wick did not
need a part two, much like The Mechanic. Sorry Jason, I can watch
your mug way more than Keanu but that was abysmal. I hope Meg is
better. Seriously. Where was I?
Oh that's right,
awarding a fake acting award, which is appropriate, giving acting is
basically a competition in who is the bast at faking (while
simultaneously being entertaining). Although handsy
Casey Affleck was good in Manchester by the Sea, I can act fucking
depressed, I do it every day. Anyway, the two Netflix offerings are
my neck and neck tie breaks, and Merritt Wever was astonishingly good
in Godless.
Winner: Merritt
Wever
Most Underrated
Films of 2017
- Shot Caller
- It Comes at Night
- Jawbone
- Brimstone
- Weiner
- Tower
- Wind River
- War for the Planet of the Apes
I know War for the
Planet of the Apes shouldn't really be here but the series is a
brilliant mirror of humanity. These are all great films and if you
ain't seen them yet, do so, posthaste. Jawbone is Rocky good, and I
identify with the themes in it most virulently. Not sure that word
works but the poisonous intimation is appropriate. However, Brimstone
was brutal, brilliant and criminally ignored.
Winner:
Brimstone
Most Overrated Films
Of 2017
Pretty obvious this one
really.
- Get Out
- The Beguiled
- The Void
- The Killing of A Sacred Deer
- Baby Driver
- A Ghost Story
Best Death
The
best, most satisfying or shocking and original cinematic death.
- Calvin vs astronaut: Life
- Spine Burster: Alien Covenant
- Frozen face: Jason X
- Harvey Weinstein/ half of Hollywood (we all know which half)
- Face! Brawl in Cell Block 99
Because
it is the first year I've done these awards, and I only thought of
them some time after I started the blog. I've not been exactly
diligent about keeping notes for this. However, FUCK YOU to Weinstein
et al. You don't win but I'm glad your careers are dead.
Winner:
Calvin vs astronaut: Life
Shocking
in its simplicity and brutality. Definitely dribbled my G and T.
Made Me Blub Like A
Baby Award
The
award for the most tear jerky thing I've seen all year. I'm usually
pretty good at weeping (or bad depending on how emotional you are)
but this year only a few have stood out. Made it easier to narrow
down, though.
- A Monster Calls
- Tower
- The Look of Silence
- Manchester by the Sea
- The Keepers
- The Vietnam War
Special
mention for The Vietnam War; episode ten of which was borderline
unwatchably sad. But the winner is a film I saw right at the start of
the year, with my dad at the cinema. It focusses on the loss of a
mother and was weeks after we'd lost our Matriarch, my grandmother.
Wonderful, wonderful film, just not a fun one.
Winner:
A Monster Calls
Scariest Film
Again
pretty straightforward. Again hampered by this being year one of
awards and my memory.
- The Conjuring 2
- It Comes at Night
- The Look of Silence
- The Dyatlov Pass Incident
The
Look of Silence was so hard to watch I turned it off and began from
that point the next day after a mental break. It's such hard work,
humanity at its worst, on film. Because I'm keen to keep this award
for a strict horror, it won't win, but I want to point to it as a
MUST see film. More so than the winner.
Winner:
The Conjuring 2
Best Series 2017
- Godless
- Mindhunter
- The Keepers
- The Vietnam War
- People Just Do Nothing
- Back
All
quality programming, but because it kept me smiling, and there was so
much of it, has to be the Kurrupt krew.
Winner:
People Just Do Nothing
The I'm Not Entirely
Sure What Just Happened Award
Goes
to a what the fuck moment or film.
Winner:
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
Told
like it was edited by someone on acid, King Arthur didn't seem to
have a single coherent story arc. That's not to say it was terrible,
but it was only marginally better (the CG) than an Uwe Boll fantasy
film. So, yeah, on reflection it was pretty terrible.
The La La Land Award
(Inaugural year)
Without
doubt my favourite award, only for the health it brings my spleen.
La
La Land is the very embodiment of the kind of horse shit I will not
stand for. So smug it's basically fellating itself, with a maniacal
grin and giving you two thumbs up. While dancing. A friend of mine
recently made me write a list of what I do and don't want in a woman,
and “cannot like La La Land” is my unashamed prejudice. I don't
want them, and they don't want me. Oddly, “they don't want me”
seems to apply to all women. Can't think why. When I was forced to
sit through as much of this glimmering puddle of A list jizz as I
could manage, I was with three or four women. Only one still speaks
to me and she has to because she married my best mate.
I
know the witty response you all have to my criticism of La La Land's
lengthy downing its own shaft is this, “Yeah Adam, but if you could
suck your own bitter, spiky penis, you would.”
Yep.
Yes I would, absolutely without doubt. I might even tell a close mate
after a few beers that I could. But, I wouldn't write a fucking
musical about me doing it and award myself golden trophies for the
honour. Sometimes it is good to be proud of who you are, other times
less so. I say this as a man awarding imaginary trophies, to real
films, before a handful of readers. It's all about finding a balance.
As
you may have guessed, this award has been created extra specially (a
bit like all the other meaningless acclaim I've conjured up for this
piece of writing) in honour of how much I
hate La La Land. Every year I will hold every piece of shit cinema
I've seen against the light, examining it to see whether it holds a
candle to La La Land. One will win the award, but until something as
genuinely terrifying as this is unleashed on humanity again, the
award will keep its name. You can take the prize, but you'll never
take the title!
Recipient
(winner seemed grandiose given the context): La La Land
The Dumbest Film Comment of the Year Award
Do I need to explain? I don't need to explain.
Winner: "It just wasn't very original" bloke in the cinema at the end of Alien: Covenant
It's about the sixth or seventh Alien film, you lunatic. Why on earth were you anticipating originality?
The Harry Styles
Award For Inconspicuousness In A Major Film Role (Inaugural year)
Much
like the La La Land Award, this goes to someone who despite my
(biased and hateful) prior knowledge of them, managed to nail down a
part in a film without me punching the telly.
Winner:
Harry Styles, Dunkirk
To
be fair I was in the Odeon Leicester Square and in the middle. It was
a trek to punch the screen. Also
he's quite good in it.
The I Know, I Know,
I Still Haven't Got Around To Watching It Yet But I Really Must Make
The Effort Award
- Raw
- Beast of the Southern Wild (on the list since 2012, in my Blu Ray collection since a few months ago; I miss NOLA)
- The Florida Project
- Mudbound
- Mother
- Elle
Hard
to call any of these films a winner. They might all be shit. In fact
The Guardian rated most of them highly, so they probably are. Raw is
the one I want to see most, so, Raw? Talk about a backhanded
compliment.
“Winner”:
Raw
Comic Book Film But
I'm Too Jaded Award (need to
think of a better name!)
- Wonder Woman
- Spider Man XVII
- Justice League
- That other one, fuck it I don't care I ain't going to watch it
All
of them. Yawn.
Best Animated Feature
Film
I'm
thirty four. Next!
Oh
wait... Tower is animated so, Tower!
Winner:
Tower
Best Documentary
- 13th
- Amanda Knox
- Tower
- The Look of Silence
- Louis Theroux: Talking With Anorexia
The
Look of Silence is hands down the most horrifying portrayal of
institutionalised sociopathy I've ever seen. Yes, including
everything the Tories do. Ba Dum! Thatcher was way worse than these
incompetent wretches, they've just been given a longer leash. As a
horror film fan, The Look of Silence turned my stomach, it takes a
lot to do that. Another strong category, though.
Winner:
The Look of Silence
Best Foreign Language Film
“But
if you believe you're a citizen of the world, you're a citizen
of nowhere.”
Fuck
you Theresa May, we're all human you walking void of empathy, that's
what “citizen of the world” is supposed to mean. No, not having
this category, it's included in the rest of them inherently and
without bias.
Best Music, I Guess.. It Ain't Frozen, Despite My Niece Huffing On It Like A Crack Pipe
They
play music in films?
Short Film
Winner:
La La Land.
Well,
I only lasted twenty minutes.
If
you made it through that I'm both shocked and delighted. I'd love to
hear your thoughts.
Comments
Post a Comment