Pet Sematary (2019)

Cats are evil. Fact.
Spoiler Free
Horror
Rated 15
Available now for home viewing

Gus Van Sant once remade Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho shot for shot. Just saying.

I missed Pet Sematary in the cinema, so I waited for the home release- and waited, and waited and waited. It was probably only six months, but patience ain’t my virtue. I bought the original Pet Sematary to tide me over, with the intention of seeing this new one once it was eventually released on Blu Ray.

Eventually it was, and I rented it as soon as I saw it had been (yes, from For Your Eyes Only in Forest Hill- use them they’re great). Here, unapologetically, are my thoughts on Pet Sematary 2019, and a few on the 1989 version. 

This brand spanking new Pet Sematary very, very much feels like the original, not a criticism per se, just an early observation. Glossier than the 1989 original perhaps. Jason "the chin" Clarke takes the lead and he has a wife but whoever the actor is she's bland. So bland a pound of butter would have had more presence; as well as adding an ingredient at least somehow different from the first (not very good) film.

John Lithgow plays the Fred Gwynne “them thar woods be nothing but trouble” role well, but if you know them thar woods be nothing but trouble, don’t encourage people to raise the dead in them. Just a suggestion. But then what do I know.
I’m regretting watching the original, because perhaps I’d be more enthused about this new one. Saying that, I wasn’t hugely enthused by the original. Takes ages to get get going then is barely saved by some gore toward the end.

The gore isn’t even any better in 2019. In fact it's exactly the same, they don't even level up the guts. 

And thusly, my conclusion on Pet Sematary 2019 reads as thus.

See the original
See the original
See the original
See the original
See the original
See the original
See the original
See the original
See the original

Even better don’t see either. This is why I rent films, so I don’t have to look at the shit I’ve sat through on my shelf. Also because by renting I don’t get emails from Warner Brothers saying stop stealing our films online...

You’re welcome.

Bedsit it? Did you like the original? See the original again. Didn’t like the original? Don’t watch this. Never seen either? Steer clear- far from entertaining, takes too long to engage and despite its devout efforts to be the exact same faulted film as the one thirty years ago, ends with all the gusto of a dead man’s fart. The same dead man they used in 1989. Film him, he's still farting. 4/10

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