Cold Pursuit (2019)

Spoiler Free
Action/ Crime/ Drama
Rated 15
Available

I went in to Cold Pursuit expecting Liam Neeson kills all comers. Who wasn’t though, the film has not pretended to be anything other than Neeson smashes shits to bits in the snow*. It’s worse than that though, much worse. Like an overly confident coked up idiot remade Taken (for a fourth time). I’d say switch your brain off and you might make it through, but consider this your early warning- save yourself.

You know what’s going to happen. Everybody does. Only an imbecile has gone into Cold Pursuit expecting clever plot twists, or really anything other than to be merely entertained. The film falls short even of that lowly standard, merely entertaining. Cold Pursuit is trash; derivative of films which are better than it, but also asinine in its own right. The whole affair is far too casual, as if the filmmakers know you know what’s going to happen anyway so didn't bother making it exciting.

Neeson is Neeson, so we’ll move on from that aspect of the acting. I really want to talk about the baddie. His name is irrelevant, and he’s essentially a Bond villain played by Tom Bateman, who won’t be getting employed as a Bond villain anytime soon. The character and the actor are just awful. The old saying that a film is only as good as it’s villain rings true here. He’s terrible and so is the rest of the film.
I shouldn’t really go any deeper into Cold Pursuit than that but because I love you, I will.

The set up is as complex as an 80's computer game where Liam Neeson takes on various, progressively preposterous and more dangerous “bosses” with the final (Bond Villain) boss always on the horizon. The exposition is as subtle as a kick in the nuts. There was something about his son dying, I think, I didn’t notice the son until he turned up brown bread and thus had no care he had croaked. Oh wait! I think he appeared briefly when Neeson’s wife made a stew at the start. That stew sounded delicious. That stew might buy Cold Pursuit an extra mark. 

I still have no idea what Neeson’s character (or indeed any character) is called. Although that isn’t unusual for me. Despite trying desperately to be, Cold Pursuit isn’t nearly as clever or funny as it thinks it is. Trust me, I know. I completely lost interest; why is it two hours? It doesn’t need to be two hours. Christ.

My final note reads

Oh wait there’s new Handmaid’s Tale! If I’m going to be miserable with the telly on I may as well be looking at the fucking thing.

Bedsit it? I’ve had to go back to look at my own set of rules on scoring, but instinct tells me not to score Cold Pursuit no higher than three… Checks rules... accounts for stew...

THREE IT IS! 3/10

*Liam Neeson bent double, curling a frosty, painful poocicle would have made a better watch. Depending on how much you like Neeson, snow and Two Girls One Cup.

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